It’s important to remember that even if friendships change, the songs that defined them don’t. That verse that you locked eyes over is constant. The guitarist will always play the chords that made your friendship’s soundtrack. That singers voice is ageless on that version of the song you’ve played a million times in the car. I give songs to men, but I also give them to friends. It’s less intentional than with men. With men, if I’m in love with you every song defines us and if it doesn’t exactly fit, I ignore certain words or lines to make it fit. That may be why I’ve been single for so long, but that’s a different story.
Some friendships fall into place unexpectantly. They grow with the sort of momentum that’s unstoppable, and one day you wake up and realize you can’t live without them. They are your whole world, whether you like it or not. That’s how our friendship started. Today, we’re not the same. He’s distant, I’m not important, and we’re different people. I can’t be mad at him. That’s not possible. Am I hurt? Yes. Does it feel like part of me is missing? It’s almost as if someone removed a part of me. But, as low as I feel about it, and as not okay as I am most of the time, I got more than most. I got years of laughter and quality time. We may never be as close as we were while he was spending every night in my kitchen, eating my drunkenly prepared food, but I had many moments that mean more to me than anything.
This feels a little like an obituary. It’s one I’ve been writing for a while, I’ve known it was coming. As your grow up, everything changes. I’m a different person than I was 2 years ago. Less accessible, less promiscuous. More sober, more driven. Fatter. Level headed. Frugal.
Everything has changed but at the end of it all I have one moment that holds with unwavering certainty, and I know we had it all. We had it all as we danced in his living room, with our bellies full of thanksgiving dinner and wine and beer, laughing and smiling as we circled the room bursting with love for life and each other, as James Murphy warned us of our future. Ironic really, one of my life’s highlights was the moment of our decline. That’s how it starts.
LCD Soundsystem’s “All of my Friends” is one of my favorite songs ever because it was what spurred one of my favorite moments ever. Friendships change, become lesser, or end. But at least we’ll always have that thanksgiving, and I’ll remember what it felt to be out of breath from dancing, and out of my mind thinking that life couldn’t get any better than this with you.
[Lindsey Bluher was named after Lindsey Buckingham, but as her hands are too small to reach all the strings on a guitar she chose to make a life writing about all the bands she'll never be in. Lindsey is Seattle native, lover of street meat, and proud holder of a useless degree in History. How Kristen Bell feels about sloths is how she feel about otters.]