As you already know I am trying to drop some lbs. It stinks - real bad. A couple years ago, before my wedding, I dropped some major weight so I could be semi-presentable in a J. Crew suit. Since that point however, I have ballooned. Seriously, ballooned. I have a theory as to why this has happened and have used all of my Colin Ferrel detective skills and traced this weight gain down to 3 things: exercise, food and medication. So with those in mind I do have a plan to lose some of this weight that I have put on, a plan that I have already put into effect that I want to tell you about.
But first, I want to go back. I don't know if we've ever talked about this but I've always struggled with weight. I feel like my whole life I have been teetering on being a fat guy (except for a weird 2 years of high school when I was rail thin). It seems as though it has only gotten more difficult to keep weight off the older I get. Like I am predisposed to being overweight and bordering on obese. I recently had my BMI calculated and I am so close to being obese it's frightening. It's one of the biggest struggles in my life; not liking how I look, or feel, or forever being too big to fit into J. Crew's slim-fit shirts. Literally no company makes a shirt that fits me, I'd like to find one though.
As bummed as I get, I don't want to put out the impression that I have it bad. I don't, comparatively. There are so many people who have it worse than I do, but that doesn't change how I feel about it. I can obsess about my weight for hours, wondering when I'll fit into clothes, when my boobs will stop jiggling, watching fit people running laps around me on the track and silently cursing these beautifully built carefree shirtless fucks. I can almost self-diagnose myself with a fairly acute body complex, but I don't want to dwell on the suck-ness, I want to focus on what I am doing.
I have a personal trainer now. It's a new thing for me. Turns out every time I have ever gone to the gym in the past, I wasn't doing shit. I was just in a building and that alone wasn't enough to get in shape. My trainer is a fireman (hey, ladies) and he had been a great resource for what I need to do going forward. I meet with him every week, usually at 6am and for 50 minutes I work harder than I ever thought I could (tattoo in practice).
I have gotten real Murakami in my thinking about exercise. Did you ever read his book What I Talk About When I Talk About Running? It's great. An actual inspiration, not just a fleeting rush of wisdom, but veritable inspiration (I'll bring my copy for you to borrow when I see you next week) What I have started thinking about while exercising is that the reason to do this, to exercise and work on your body isn't the end result, there's no end game to this, Jeremy. It's about constant movement and constant motivation and constant growth. I figure, if I spend too much time looking to the future then you miss all these moments happening in the present, and these moments in the present are why I am doing this.
A month ago I would never have been able to run 3 miles, now I do it on the reg; movement, motivation, growth. It's become a bit of an addiction, when I am running I feel nothing and everything at the same time. At this point in my life this is the closest thing I have to a religious feeling (aside from like a super good movie with aliens in it). It's pretty weird, I know.
I've also taken a closer look at what sorts of food I am putting into my body. A couple years back I went vegetarian, a topic I cannot get into right now because I don't want to bore you to tears (maybe for another time) I've watched what I am eating, how much, when, where. It's insane to think how much can be changed about our bodies and our brains just by switching some of the garbage we eat. I guess the biggest takeaway that I have learned about myself in monitoring what I eat is that the more you sit, the more you eat (movement, motivation, growth).
The last part was medication. I tried it for awhile (remember how awful those couple of months were?) Turns out it wasn't for me. Didn't like how I felt, didn't like how I acted and very much didn't like the 20+ lbs I put on while taking it. Medication works for some people, didn't for me. All that works for me is working on things and keeping my brain and body active. This site, the business I am starting, my future plans - all these things are what keep my mind out of the gutter (movement, motivation, growth).
All in all, it's been a pretty incredible couple months. I think I may have an ab, just the one. Hoping that we can go for a run when I am in town next week - maybe go to Oak Openings? I just want to continually work on myself, but please don't misunderstand. I don't want to be the best at anything I just want to be better than I was yesterday. It starts now and it goes on forever. There is no finish line.